3/18 Screaming Silence

I remember in high school learning about Oxymorons. The teacher asked us to all come up with one and say it out loud to the class. I have no idea what mine was but this one girl- hers really stood out. 

Screaming Silence.

We woke up at 3:00 am again but this time we had a little boy in our bed with us. Which makes me smile! 

His tummy is sick. (which is very common with children from and orphanage.) 

But poor baby was laying there in a very soiled gross diaper just fidgeting with his hands. Which is a type of self soothing. He had the saddest frown on his face and possible traces of tears. How long had he been awake? Had he cried his silent cry for hours and I didn't know...

We got moving about 6:00. Chu ate rice and veggies pretty well. He didn't seem to have texture issues. 

We were at the civil affairs office by 9:00 where we finished our paperwork and made Chu officially an Atwood! It was a sweet moment. Brings tears to my eyes. 

Then we had to run to the notory office to get the official paperwork notorized. 

Then we drove 2 hours to Xuchang. This is where Chu's orphanage is. 

I have always wanted to visit and orphanage. So I had a few reasons for wanting to go. For our Chu, of course. To tell him that we had been there and what it was like. To understand his fears and his habits. Also, to help be a voice for the ones left behind. The ones who have no one to speak for them. 

The first thing that hit me was the smell. It smelled like the stomach flu. It was dark and it was dreary. It was NOT dirty, really. Everything was picked up and orderly. The floors were swepped. It just wasn't scrubbed and it smelled like runny poopyi diapers and sweat. 

It was very quiet. We were told the children were all sleeping and slept from 11:00 to 2:30. There are over 200 children there and it was dead quiet. 

  

We went into Chu's room first. Everything at the orphanage is smaller then the pictures show. The curtains were pulled shut for napping children. There was about 16 cribs in the room. 

The nannies immediately ran to Chu and kind of thumped his arm saying " Chu dong. dong dong" the next thing I knew one nanny had my baby in her arms. 

It was hard not to yank him back. 

Little kids started to fuss and a couple of lopped hair beauties stood up in their cribs. Dark long hair falling over precious little faces. Dark eyes staring back at us.  Oh how I wish we could take them home. 

We asked which were Chu's friends and wrote their names down. There's a beautiful little girl that my husband wanted to grab and run with. 

We handed over Sue's blankets, clothes, and snacks for the kids. I was disappointed we weren't able to hand the food right to the kids. I worry it won't end up in their bellies where it's needed. 

I had a list of children I was trying to get info on and we asked about a couple of them. I felt I had to be choosy or I wasn't going to get any info, at all. How do you choose?

If a child was awake I tried to get their name and birthday and a picture. About

190/200 kids will never even have a file readied for them for adoption. It might be even less... Only a couple that do have files will get chosen. 

It's so sad and so hard. 

At some point Shane walked over and put his hands out for Chu to come to him. Such relief in my heart when Chu willingly reached for His babba. And with a smile on his face. 

I asked about a particular little boy with dwarfism. I know he has a family wanting him but he has no file. They led us up stairs past more rooms and into a tiny room that had 14 cribs in it. The children were sitting up in their cribs. Awake. 

4 or 5 of them were rocking. Rocking and rocking. They were self soothing. No momma to rock you. You rock yourself. 

Most of these children had shaved heads. The little faces of the children were gaunt.  They had blank faces. Glossed over eyes stared back at us. They looked like children from the Hollocaust. These children had more severe needs maybe autism, or mental handy caps.  A couple of children had Down syndrome. 

The director picked up the little boy with dwarfism. He fussed and had snot all over his face. My heart fell to my stomach as I stroked his hair. I told them a family wanted him. To please get his file ready. 

I sure hope they will. 

As we turned to walk out I said Ni Hao to a little boy that had his hand out and I touched his hand. He lit up in the biggest grin and bounced in his bed. He bounced so much I was worried he would fall out. I asked for his name and birthday. As I walked away his eyes glossed over and he went back to rocking. 

If your heart can break into a million pieces, mine has. 

We walked out of the orphanage to the tune of screaming silence. 

(There's a prison in Colorado, USA. It's considered one of the worst prisons in the US. It's so bad that some people are trying to shut the prison down. After they've been locked in there with nothing to do for months, the men start rocking. Usually only murderers and the worst of the worst get sent to this prison. )

Do you know the UNICEF (starving kids) comercial that comes on every Christmas? (This year Alyssa Melano was the spoke person.) UNICEF is against adoption! Against it! They think all children should stay in their home countries and That it's wrong to take children out of their heritage culture! 

That would be okay if the countries are capable of providing. 

But is this providing? 

I'm going to tell you no child should live this way. NO WAY! It doesn't matter if they are black, white, or purple. If the have mental handicaps or special needs. 

No child should live this way. 

It's worse then the prison we put our murderers in. 

The director took us to lunch. It was, I'm sure, a very expensive lunch! There was, at least, 10 dishes of food. The food was served family stile dishes stay on a turn table. As it went around the table everyone used their chopsticks to take food. 

I couldn't eat. I kept thinking how many children could all this food feed. 

Chu wouldn't eat either. I'd give a $1,000 dollars to know what he was thinking...

We then went to apply for Chu's passport. One lady kept pushing her beautiful little girl over to Chu to say Ni Hao.   I told our guide to tell her that her daughter is beautiful. All the Chinese people laughed and looked at me like I did something wrong. Back in the Van our guide told me that the mom had been saying," What a beautiful baby. He's well cared for. He has light skin. Look at my girl. She's ugly with her dark skin." :(

We then went to Chu's finding place. I've decide to not disclose where his is at. It's his story to tell not mine. 

But Let me explain a finding place-

All orphans in China have a finding place. Its where their parents leave or abandon (I hate that word) them. Sometimes because a child might have a medical need that the parents can't afford to fix. Sometimes, because they already have one child and can't pay for another. Sometimes, the child has a need and they don't keep it because they want their one child to be healthy and perfect. 

Sometimes a mom will hide behind bushes waiting to make sure their baby is found. 

We will never know what Chu's birth mom's reason was. Although, I suspect she tried to keep him as long as she could. 

We are thankful for his birth mom. We are thankful she chose life and not abortion. She chose life. 

As we drove back into Zhenghou, we were all very quiet. It's hard to process. 

Questen has done amazingly well with it. But I've noticed he holds Chu a little bit closer. A little bit longer. 

Driving down the street to our hotel, we saw children digging in large dirt and cement piles. 

We saw a little boy handed a bright blue balloon. He sat it on the ground and pounced on it. Pop! Ha ha... 

Children are the same the world over. They just want to belong. To be loved. To be wanted. To run and play. To be free. To pop big bright wonderful blue balloons. 

Don't forget them.